- profound change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means
- a striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances
- a typically marked and more or less abrupt developmental change in the form or structure of an animal (as a butterfly or a frog) occurring subsequent to birth or hatching
Two days ago you gave me the word “Changes” and I sat down to write and immediately was distracted by stress and work, the stress of money, the 4th dimensional reality of this trap we are found in today, living life between catastrophic meltdowns and eruptions exploding from this mountain of stability we once felt.
Home used to be safe, it used to be ours… Work used to be a place for me to shine brightly and succeed… Today everything that once was stable has evolved into something I have to handle lightly, handle gently, and report to someone else or do something for someone else. Every day some new catastrophe we used to be able to avoid.
A landlord calls to complain that rent from insurance never arrived. A refrigerator breaks and we have to rely on someone else to call someone to repair it. An insurance company rejects a simple engineering walkthrough to determine if the foundation of our house is damaged. We are told a check is “sent” yet it never arrives. There is no apparent refuge from needing to rely on the outside world to secure us, and that outside world fails at every single turn if we rely on it… I feel as though I am no longer in control at all. Perhaps I never was.
I don’t have the outlets I once did for dealing with stress… no calm peaceful back yard to take a straight sword and do tai chi in the rain… No longer have the comfortable sleeveless heavy hooded vest I wore to perform that martial arts dance in the cooling mist of a light drizzle. Even my own bed is no longer a perfect comfortable place where I “fit” because we lost the mattress we once loved and have gone through 3 trying to find a way to sleep without waking in pain that age has blessed us with. The world around us has changed, and I struggle to find a peaceful place to simply be. We lost our environment that once felt secure and permanent and “ours”. The universe has proved to us that the only reality is constant unpredictable change, and that all we believe we own can be taken from us, and none of it was our fault or in our control… I go back and revisit all the “what ifs” and can’t find the moment where I messed up and caused this. So I have to flow with what our reality is… instead of living in a world of peace where chaos is a controlled fight, I am now in a world of uncontrolled chaos where peace needs to be controlled and fought for.
This loss our our house, has caused us both an immense amount of stress and continues to, as we rush to the mailbox everyday hoping for that one insurance check that still has not arrived which will mark the end of instability. Drowning in the debt of having to furnish a new home, drowning in bills, drowning in 4th dimensional reality. Sitting idle as a lawsuit with the people who were supposed to provide a home for us and instead were the reason we didn’t have one for weeks on end… still unsettled. The stressors that have caused me to feel like the weight of the world is resting on my head and I am powerless to change the situation remains as one of the only new constants in life.
I used to call it “indoor cat syndrome”… When a cat realizes that they are not in control at all, they lose their minds. I have seen other people melt down in my past when they realize they don’t have the control they believed they did. Over the past couple months I feel we have both been hanging by a thread with our entire world being turned upside down, as the universe teaches us that we are not stable… we are not in control… and all the things we cling to for stability can be yanked out from under us at a moments notice with no warning, and no fault of our own… Powerless… I have no choice but to just… let it go… let it be… and look in your eyes and find the only peace I have left.
Change is a constant… love is eternal.
In these months, the only thing we have had to cling to that hasn’t vanished in a puff of smoke… is this love. As we lean on it, we realize that maybe it has changed… maybe because of all of the change around us, this love has somehow gotten stronger. We now stand on it like a bridge to some new future, blindly having faith as it sways and bends under the weight of this new world that rests on our shoulders… that it will not break and dump us into an abyss. As we walk to our new future, we recognize that in moments of fear, panic, adversity, challenge… in moments of profound changes in all we once felt was secure… all we have to do is look down at our feet, and let our eyes catch our hands still clasped together. “there you are”, right by my side… through all of it. Still holding my hand as tightly as you have ever held it. We take a step forward together, and the world vanishes, love lifts us, and we find the strength to take another step… the journey is shared, no matter what changes the world brings… the next step is always easy as long as we take it together and focus on eachother, and let the world fade away around us. No future we control, no past we control… just this moment, with you by my side.
I wrote a document during my first download called “Duality theory”, and then attempted to clean it up in the months that followed… no one would read it. No one. My father and mother both tried and gave up, my ex-wife tried and couldn’t get past the introduction. I gave it to several friends. No one made it through. I can read it over and over and be reminded of the information received at the time… I can white board it, and explain the ideas to people given hours and most will grasp the layers of dimensionality and how life exist as the only catalyst of change in the universe of linear physics constants. How we “bend energy to change time”, and how that has a profound importance to the future. They eventually will understand what I am trying to convey, but they don’t fully grasp the power of it. This realization of the physical dimensions of the universe in the beginning of “emotion” that I explained in a previous word of the day. A geometric structure of the universe that includes the role of energy, emotion and consciousness and a physical way to rationalize the existence of a higher consciousness and to rationalize the vital importance of actions in the present that forever alter a timeline in a way we “can’t go back and change”. That god is a perspective… A way to look at the positive change in the universe that is caused by the free will of all life.
In this first document I wrote “Life is all logic, all science, all algorithm or experimentation (even when one or both blow up in our faces). No matter what I am doing in life, be it music, dance, martial arts, surfing, riding a motorcycle, animating, painting, working on a car, debugging a complex system within a video game or film production pipeline… even my marriage and friendships… I am constantly learning the math behind it, and finding connected algorithms that cross almost every field I have ever learned or studied. Every challenge I meet, I find shocking overlaps in the learned experience… leading to little shortcuts in logic. In order to learn a new tool or craft we are simply learning what are the same algorithms/equations and what are different or new ones (and storing only change that needs to be applied). the more we allow ourselves to learn, the easier we find it is to learn because our brains are just a giant searchable relational database.”
Looking back, I realized that while this was truly an awakening that helped me solve problems in math, they rarely helped me solve my problems in life. Solutions to “real problems” were much easier and turned me into a different person. That person though… he still approached life completely scientifically, totally logically with very little emotion. I used logic to make decisions, not love. Even my marriage was just math and algorithms to solve problems, a product of my brain and not the source of life, and therefor filled with turmoil and manipulation. I got pleasure from learning… Approaching all things like a game, as a playful child. Still with Ego… still full of Pride… still very concerned with self… I believe myself to be a “good person” solving problems for other people, giving, generous, empathetic, rescuing. However, my approach was cold and calculated.
My second awakening was when I wrote a paper called “the Skill of Happiness” which I then farther whittled down into “Unity”. In this download I received the concept that all aesthetics are “correct”, that in order to accept someone we must recognize the things they love are not “wrong” even if we don’t love them ourselves. that our bodies each have unique aesthetics. I realized that the energy we put out into the world is reflected back to us… be it pleasure or affection or anger… emotion has a rebound affect on our environment, and to change that environment we can sometimes even “fake it ’till you make it”, creating a sense of joy and excitement, or peace and calm, even when what we are feeling is fear, rejection, or stress… I realized that we could attract what we love to us by broadcasting the frequencies we love through music and dress. Stress reflects stress, expecting failure reflects failure. We should chase what excites us at all times, learn what we love, become our true selves, broadcast that frequency… So that what we want is rebounded to us, even if it’s just wanting to see the world smile in the face of adversity and challenge.
Then my world fell apart… Through becoming militantly myself, my ex-wife did not have the idea that “there are no wrong aesthetics”, the man she loved changed into who he wanted to be rather than who she wanted him to be. I repelled my wife and she left and my children followed her. Through chasing what excited me the most after that, I found a woman who would ask me to change everything in order to exist in her environment, and having lost my ex-wife and kids through being myself, I decided in my misery and in my depression that I must have been wrong in all of my understanding of how the self-reflecting mirror worked… That being myself must have been wrong… That all of what I learned must have been wrong. I cocooned myself in a cold house, shut off my senses with self-medicating, numbed my pain with alcohol, and rejected everything I loved. I allowed my heart to be broken over and over… like taking a hammer to pieces of my already shattered soul. It was spiritual a Suicide… Slow and painful…
Then one day something changed in me. I awoke in the darkness… Pain somehow cracked my shell and I realized that the pain was coming from outside no longer from within… December 18, 2015… that was the day I realized that it wasn’t me who was wrong, that no matter how much love I gave or how hard I worked or how much I changed I was only making myself more miserable… the pain was outside not within, the pain was an attempt at changing myself to fit in to this new environment that I existed in but didn’t, and would never, fit… while inside I was still, and always would be “me”, no matter how hard I tried to cover it up. I realized my first downloads were correct, but my journey was nowhere near complete… I had so much more to learn. I didn’t have all the answers, I only knew who I was and was not… I would never have all the answers… I was standing in front of a door that was still locked because I was afraid to turn the key and leave the world I was in for something entirely new.
I spent weeks knowing I felt different, but had not discovered why. Spent weeks bounding and rebounding, struggling to free myself from my shell of pain that I no longer needed. I emerged the same man, yet profoundly changed on the outside. I dug into my closet and found my old clothes in the back, found my crystals, found my hats and boots, shaved my beard and found my young face staring back from the mirror once again.
I got online on Match.com and set every single thing I wanted honestly as “deal-breaker”… I knew you were out there… someone who was looking for me. The real me… the complete me…
The keys to unlocking the door were first the math of understanding the universe, recognizing that all we know is energy and vibration… The second key was an understanding that to be loved for who I am I needed to find out who that person was. The third key was to experience the kind of pain I was capable of causing when I refuse to accept someone exactly as they are. I had to understand pain by experiencing the worst of every emotion wrapped in a cocoon of suffering… The fourth key was realizing I wanted to be a pure reflection of myself, my self-imposed penance had ended. I had to learn to accept all the facets of who I was, or I could never be truly loved for who I am.
As I prepared to use the keys I had received, the door opened in front of me on its own… and “there you were” standing on the other side. It wasn’t a door to “out there”… it was a door to something within me that could attract you… The keys all brought me to you… My goddess… The metamorphosis allowed me to be worthy of crossing this threshold to a place where I realized I cannot control how the world sees me, but I can control how I see myself, and what I wanted from the man staring back in the mirror was nothing but honesty… I have been banging on that door my entire life like a child locked outside in the cold dark night. My individual journey was over… I was home inside myself for the first time in my life… my entire life changed in an instant when “I” became “us”… The day we met was the most powerful awakening of my life and it continues today… It is one of understanding what it feels like to be loved honestly, for exactly what and who I am… A catalyst for the largest changes I have ever seen in my true spirit from the core out. Love… for who I am.
Physics helped me see that we are one spirit existing in a vast universe of variable experiences… math helped me understand energy… understanding energy helped me learn acceptance, through learning acceptance I learned to accept all of myself… through that, I was able to find your love… Your love is the only thing of true value I think I have ever owned… my home… my serenity, my adventure. Your love is a reflection of my saved and mended soul. I feel you in my heart, my mind, my body, and my spirit. You flow through me, and surround me. You are all things, all emotions, all thoughts. You are one with me. This was my metamorphosis. I had to be skilled so that I could find knowledge… had to find profound knowledge in order to understand the nature of the universe we created, had to find profound strength in order to understand myself within that universe, and had to find humility in order to deserve to come home to you without asking you for a sacrifice of changing who you are for me.
For the first time I understood love… That the source of all life is pure love of all aesthetics. “God is love”… “God” is the love of absolutely every energy vibration… Through your complete love of me, I am touched by the love of a god whenever you look at me… YOU are my goddess in this way. You, my indigo child, channeling love straight to me, straight to my core. The love I have for you comes from this same source… I don’t have to try to love you… I just have to allow it to happen, and let it flow like water and “there you are”
“profound change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means”. You are supernatural… an entirely new plane of existence that I have never felt before… We may go through several more awakenings together… But I’ll never be alone in the dark again. You have shattered my ego, humbled me entirely… I don’t have all the answers and I never will. We will allow life to flow without forcing it.
I realized this week, that the power I am giving to the outside world, is a power that they don’t truly have… I decide how I respond to being ignored or forgotten. I know my worth, and the only needle I need to tell me if I am loved, comes from the only person who knows every facet of my spirit and chooses to create this home with me.
I realize one thing through this metamorphosis; even if I were to have access to all the knowledge in the universe, the only thing I truly ever need to know, the only belief I truly need to have, the only concept I need to understand, the only experience in this universe with value, and the only truth that really exists… is that you loved me unchanged. Somehow because of that I have had the most profound catalyst for changes within myself that I have ever had. Changes that many have asked me to make, and no one has made me want to.
Love changes you, but it doesn’t demand that the change happen… The difference may seem subtle, but the outcomes are polar opposites… Changes demanded are a heavy burden… A weight that holds us to the ground. True shifts that come from being accepted, come in the form of love… Those changes feel like being lifted off the ground so the weight of your own body no longer matters. We become the beauty in the world and our world becomes beautiful when it reflects back upon us.
I will breathe in… recognize the change out there is not me… look down and find my footing within our love… hold your hand… and let everything change beneath us. I am no longer alone… or afraid.