The Truth About “The Narcissist and the Empath”

Preface

It would not surprise me if writing about the spousal abuse of men were to be scoffed at, laughed at, or met with accusations of misogyny. However, the reality is that men do, in fact, suffer from abuse in relationships. This abuse can be physical, emotional, or psychological and often goes unacknowledged due to societal norms and stigmas.

A troubling trend is the way men who leave toxic, abusive relationships are often labeled as “narcissists” simply because they choose their own mental health over staying in the relationship. This oversimplification dismisses the complexity of abuse dynamics and unfairly vilifies men who are prioritizing their well-being. Addressing these biases is essential to fostering understanding and support for all victims of abuse.

Claiming Your Significant Other is a Narcissist and You Are an Empath

Statistical Analysis: The Rare Reality of True Narcissism

In recent years, labeling a significant other as a narcissist has become common in popular discourse. However, the data reveals a far more nuanced reality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an actual clinical diagnosis found in approximately 0.5% to 1% of the general population, according to the DSM-5. Among those diagnosed, As low as 50% are men (according to the DSMV), meaning only 0.25%-0.5% of men that’s 5 in every 1000 are likely to meet the criteria for NPD – if you have dated 100 men, you more likely than not have not dated one.

This statistic highlights how uncommon true narcissism is, challenging the narrative that many people’s ex-partners are narcissists. Misuse of the term oversimplifies complex relationship dynamics and mischaracterizes normal behavior as pathological.

---

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a severe mental health condition characterized by extreme and unmistakable behaviors, such as:

1. Grandiosity:
   • An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, such as believing one deserves special treatment or constantly seeking recognition for minor accomplishments. This is far more extreme than simply having confidence or pride in personal appearance.
2. Need for Admiration:
   • A constant demand for validation and praise, often involving manipulative efforts to ensure others’ attention is focused on them. This is very different from displaying confidence or wanting to be recognized or appreciated for efforts in a relationship, which is a normal and healthy desire in most people. True narcissism involves an excessive need for admiration that overshadows others’ contributions or needs.
3. Lack of Empathy:
   • An inability or unwillingness to understand others’ feelings, often dismissing or exploiting their emotions entirely. This goes beyond having hobbies or spending time away from a partner, which are normal and healthy behaviors. This lack of empathy is absolute, they do not exhibit behaviors of true affection or desire for a partner to be happy.
4. Exploitative Behavior:
   • Manipulating others for personal gain, such as deceiving or using a partner to achieve selfish goals. This is much more severe than making a valid argument or standing firm in a disagreement. A true narcissist will steal when it isn’t necessary, lie when it isn’t necessary, exaggerate accomplishments when it isn’t necessary. To a true narcissist lying is the baseline in nearly everything they say, it is about them, and the reason it is about them is nearly always a self-important lie.
5. Fragile Self-Esteem:
   • A tendency to react with rage or defensiveness to perceived criticism. Any criticism results in enraged outbursts with very dramatic consequences. A “simple” disagreement is not something a narcissist can take. They are directly assaulted and respond with rage and sometimes violence to even small criticism. People with experience with a narcissist learn to never correct them, never criticize them, and never offer them advice.

How NPD Truly Manifests in Relationships:

• Gaslighting is a specific form of psychological manipulation where one person intentionally distorts or denies reality to make the other person question their perceptions, memory, or sanity. For example, a narcissistic partner might insist that events didn’t happen or were imagined, eroding their partner’s confidence in their own judgment.
• However, in modern usage, the term “gaslighting” is often applied far too broadly. Many people use it to describe situations where a partner simply presents a valid argument and it forces them to experience cognitive dissonance, corrects misinformation, or proves a point with evidence. These situations, while potentially uncomfortable, are not examples of gaslighting. True gaslighting is deliberate and sustained, with the goal of undermining the other person’s sense of reality. Being asked to question the validity of your perspective is not “Gaslighting” it is simply someone believing they have a right to have their own perspective.
• Narcissists often distort reality to maintain control or protect their self-image. For instance, they might consistently deny factual events or manipulate conversations to undermine their partner’s confidence. However, it is important to differentiate true manipulative behavior from misunderstandings or disagreements that arise naturally in relationships. Unlike common relationship issues, these behaviors are pervasive, deliberate, and unmistakable.
• Unlike common relationship issues, these behaviors are pervasive and unmistakable with little room for interpretation or nuance.

Normal behaviors, such as pursuing hobbies, setting boundaries, providing evidence of perspective or taking a time-out during an argument or simply wanting to drop it all together do not equate to narcissism. Claiming your partner is a narcissist because they spend time on personal interests or because they back up their desires or needs with evidence ignores the nuance of what true narcissistic behavior entails.

---

“Empaths” and Borderline Personality Disorder

The term empath has become a popular self-identification for individuals who consider themselves highly sensitive to others’ emotions. However, it is not a clinical diagnosis, and often overlaps with traits seen in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is far more common than narcissism, some studies suggesting it may be as high as 6%. It is more commonly diagnosed in women. BPD is a recognized mental health condition characterized by a range of behaviors, including:

1. Emotional Dysregulation:
   • Intense and rapidly shifting emotions, often triggered by minor or perceived slights. This can result in a rollercoaster of moods within the same day, leaving both the individual and their partner emotionally exhausted.
2. Fear of Abandonment:
   • An overwhelming fear of being left or rejected, which can lead to behaviors such as excessive reassurance-seeking, controlling attempts to prevent their partner from leaving, or preemptively ending relationships to avoid perceived abandonment.
3. Unstable Relationships:
   • A pattern of intense and volatile relationships, often swinging between idealization (seeing their partner as perfect) and devaluation (viewing them as deeply flawed or harmful).
4. Impulsivity:
   • Engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors, such as impulsive spending, substance abuse, or explosive emotional outbursts, which can strain relationships and erode trust.

How BPD Can Impact Relationships:

• People with BPD may struggle to balance their own needs with their partner’s.
• They can interpret their partner’s independent actions as abandonment or spite.
• Their intense emotional sensitivity may manifest as hostility when they feel excluded.

For example, a partner with BPD may believe that their significant other’s hobbies, such as gaming, doing crafts like woodwork or spending time with friends, are deliberate acts of rejection. This can lead to cycles of conflict and alienation within the relationship.

Ending relationships

Someone with BPD often views the world in black and white terms, where people are either ‘all good’ or ‘all bad.’ This tendency can lead to frequent falling-outs with friends or family members. They may push friends away or demand their partner sever connections with others, often framing this as ‘rejecting them before they can reject me.’

For example, a partner with BPD might react to a perceived slight, such as not being invited to a gathering, as a deliberate insult. In my personal experience, close friends going out for a private date-night led to my ex becoming offended that we were not invited to join them. These actions are often driven by an intense fear of abandonment rather than malice, yet they can strain or end relationships, leaving the partner isolated.

Being a self-proclaimed “Empath”

Claiming one is an “empath” is too often a reflection of the victim complex that accompanies BPD. Someone believing they are better than others simply because they cannot control their own emotional response to others who need support is not a sign of positive interactions with the world around them, and is certainly not a sign of true empathy. The need to make it about ones self rather than actually empathizing and supporting a person in need, someone with BPD displays a need to “experience their pain” and their “suffering” and the result is they require attention due to their inability to allow others to experience pain without them also receiving equal care. This is not a sign of high EQ it is in fact the opposite, and it is a sign that this person might have BPD and need treatment in order to maintain healthy relationships with others.

---

Men Being Abused: A Silent Struggle

There is a widespread notion that men are not victims of abuse, especially when it comes to physical and emotional abuse suffered at the hands of their partner. However, statistics paint a more complex and eye-opening picture:

• Approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 4 men experience some form of intimate partner violence (IPV) in their lifetime, including physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking.
• Emotional abuse is a form of psychological aggression, it affects over 53 million men and 61 million women in the United States.  This is staggeringly closer than most people would believe, and these numbers are merely reported abuse.

These numbers show that while women are more frequently affected by IPV, the rates for men are significantly higher than many people expect. Additionally, the true figures for men may be even higher, as men are less likely to report physical violence or emotional abuse due to societal stigmas. For instance, men often face assumptions that they should be “strong enough” to prevent or endure physical harm, which undermines their ability to seek help. Many men who have physically abusive partners would need to “fight back” in order to prevent this abuse, the mere act of which would certainly be seen as abuse not self-defense based on gender biases alone. This means that men are far more likely to suffer in silence, especially when it comes to physically abusive spouses.

Misconceptions About Emotional Abuse Against Men:

• Emotional abuse against men is frequently downplayed or dismissed. Behaviors such as manipulation, coercion, and degradation are just as harmful to men as they are to women but are often overlooked or minimized.
• Many men hesitate to report physical abuse, fearing that their claims won’t be taken seriously or that they will be viewed as less masculine. This underreporting contributes to the misconception that men are rarely victims.

By acknowledging that both men and women experience abuse and by confronting these societal biases, we can create a more inclusive dialogue around intimate partner violence. Recognizing male victims is essential to ensuring that resources and support are accessible to everyone in need.

There is a widespread notion that men are not victims of abuse, especially when it comes to physical or emotional abuse. However, statistics paint a different picture:

• Approximately 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of intimate partner violence (IPV) in their lifetime, including physical violence, sexual violence, and/or stalking.
• When it comes to emotional abuse, over 53 million men in the United States alone report experiencing psychological aggression by an intimate partner.

Men often face unique challenges when it comes to acknowledging or reporting abuse. Societal norms can discourage men from speaking out due to fear of being perceived as weak or “unmanly.” Additionally, the phrase “believe the victim” is frequently applied selectively, often sidelining men’s experiences.

While conversations about emotional abuse often focus on women, men can also be victims. However, societal biases make it harder for men to be believed or supported. The cultural norm to “believe the victim” frequently excludes male survivors of abuse.

In relationships where one partner has BPD, the fear of abandonment can lead to controlling behaviors that escalate into abuse. Common patterns include:

• Isolation: Cutting off friendships and external support networks from their partner.
• Projection: Accusing the partner of malicious intent for independent actions, including things done out of kindness and support or genuine affection.
• Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt or rage to maintain control. 

As someone who has personally experienced this dynamic with a partner clinically diagnosed with BPD, I observed how a partner’s intense fear of abandonment ended friendships and fostered an environment of emotional volatility. Actions like spending time with male friends or engaging in hobbies became sources of conflict, interpreted as deliberate attempts to spite or hurt them. This dynamic can leave men feeling trapped, misunderstood, and unsupported.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be described with the common term “Walking on egg shells” as these explosive emotions come often in moments where the partner in no way caused them. 

I have been woken up being screamed at for things I had no involvement in.  For example, I have been woken up by my ex screaming at me, and being accused of cheating (something I have never done and would never do) based on a woman I don’t know commenting positively and complimentary on a Facebook picture my ex-wife had posted of me.

---

Advice on Redirecting Your Behavior Towards Healthy Ways

I was abused by a partner with diagnosed BPD both physically and emotionally. Following that relationship I had a short 2.5 year relationship with a woman who displayed some narcissistic personality traits who I dated because she was on the opposite end of the empathy spectrum from my ex, she exuded confidence, didn’t need any reassurances, had her own hobbies and life. She cheated, had a bloated sense of self-worth and self-confidence, and lied frequently for no reason. While displaying these narcissistic tendencies she could not possibly be diagnosed as a narcissist.

Both of these past relationships ended with me being called “Narcissist”, the first because I had to set boundaries like “We will not fight in front of our children”, her other evidence of my “narcissism” was that I dressed well and worked out, and had hobbies that when I learned to set boundaries resulted in her feeling abandoned. The second, because I didn’t trust her, I did catch her cheating 5 times which eventually ended the relationship.

My wife of now 9 years has shown me an entirely different version of love, affection, trust, and happiness, these habits of hers were infectious and I now do all these things for her as well.

1. Your Partner is Allowed to Be Wrong:
   • A crisis therapist once explained that most fights happen over things that cannot be changed. There is no need to force your partner to admit they were wrong, especially when arguments are often rooted in differing perspectives. Let go of the need to “win” past disputes; it fosters peace and understanding to repeat to yourself “They can be wrong”, recognize there is no benefit to forcing them to see things your way.
2. You Have to Let Them Fix It:
   • When your partner genuinely wants to repair something, allow them the chance to do so without demanding groveling or punishment. Partners should be treated with respect as equals, not as children needing discipline. Holding grudges accomplishes nothing positive and can be deeply damaging.
3. Show Continued Appreciation for the Little Things:
   • Noticing and thanking your partner for small efforts takes little work but goes a long way in encouraging those behaviors. As the old saying goes, “You catch more flies with honey.” Appreciation and love, when expressed consistently, often inspire mutual acts of kindness.
4. Call Their Hobbies Soul Food, and Mean It:
   • Your partner’s hobbies and interests are part of what makes them unique. Supporting their passions often strengthens your bond rather than diminishing it. Encouraging your partner’s fulfillment through their hobbies shows love and builds mutual respect. Supporting their individuality doesn’t “lose them” to their hobby; it attracts them closer.
5. Keep Things Exciting in the Bedroom:
   • For many men, physical intimacy involves an element of anxiety—the pressure to perform or ensure their partner’s satisfaction first. A healthy dynamic acknowledges that sex is not a foundation for love but can reflect its health. Occasionally shifting the focus to the man’s pleasure without placing responsibility on him fosters closeness and appreciation.
6. “Worship” Your Partner—Equally:
   • Mutual admiration is vital. Every time you have a positive thought about your partner, say it out loud. Make it a habit to express appreciation for their qualities, whether it’s admiring their smile, their thoughtfulness, or even something as small as noticing how they look in certain clothes. Verbalizing love fosters an atmosphere of gratitude and connection.
7. Don’t Make Demands—Show by Example:
   • Treating your partner with unconditional love and respect leads by example. Buddha said, “Love and ownership are opposites that people most confuse.” Real love is selfless. Giving it freely encourages your partner to return it in kind.
8. Set Boundaries About Your Autonomy, Not Theirs:
   • Boundaries should define what you need to feel secure, not control what your partner does. For example, instead of saying, “You can’t spend Saturdays in your woodshop,” frame it around your autonomy: “I will take time for myself on Saturdays if needed and will not argue about it later.”

Rethinking the Narrative

Mislabeling your partner as a narcissist or claiming to be an empath without introspection can perpetuate unhealthy dynamics and misunderstandings. Instead, consider these points:

1. Statistical Reality:
   • You likely didn’t date a narcissist. True NPD is exceedingly rare, and most people labeled as narcissists are simply individuals with independent needs or interests.
2. Understanding Relationships:
   • Conflict over hobbies or emotional distance doesn’t indicate narcissism. Often, these issues stem from mismatched expectations or communication gaps.
3. Reflecting on Your Role:
   • If you identify as an empath, consider whether traits like emotional dysregulation or fear of abandonment may be affecting your relationships. Recognizing these tendencies can pave the way for healthier dynamics.
4. Men Deserve Support Too:
   • Emotional abuse is not gendered. Men experiencing abuse should feel validated and supported, with societal narratives expanding to include their experiences.

Final Thought: Relationships are complex. Before labeling your partner or yourself, seek understanding and perhaps actual therapy and counseling from a professional who might be qualified to diagnose the disorders associated with these claims. True empathy comes from introspection, communication, and a willingness to challenge preconceived notions—not from quick diagnoses or self-serving labels.