- food and drink regarded as a source of strength; nourishment.
- the maintaining of someone or something in life or existence.
You my love, are my sustenance. You are more important to me than the air I breath, the food I eat. I would choose you over water, over life itself. You are my only source of nourishment. You give me a strength that I have never had in life before. The power to be absolutely myself. The clothes I wear, the energies I enjoy, you allow them all the be perfect and beautiful. You make me want to sing and dance, you make me want to protect all that I am…
Last week I was in a manic state. Trying to finish a test I was working on to show my work I wasn’t crazy, only excited that my tools were complete and I could build an amazing prototype on my own. In my excitement, my work believed I was a danger to myself, and forced me to go on leave, hours away from finishing it… A project I have worked on for 17 years to get right. This drove me to an extreme Manic state, and I had no way to release that energy, no outlet (Leather Tools burned, costume tools burned, no money in the bank, credit cards maxed out, no possessions to call my own). I went stir crazy at home around you, and it was abuse… You being my only outlet for life… Then we pulled the plug. I said I was done… I was broken, my light turned off, my dreams for the future faded into distant memories… The future I can usually divine, so faded and broken and fractured like a broken mirror covered in soot.
Losing you a week ago, having our adult children tell me I was abusing you… A 3 against one shouting match, with a big scary US Marine with death in his eyes. Looking like the worlds biggest bully to me. I was frightened in my own home, threatened in my own home, I realized I had no place to call home… No one to turn to, no friends to return my call, no work to sustain me, the mania built until at 4am, and I burst… I posted Serenity with my wishes for you to find your peace without me. It was enough of a shock to my system that it pushed me far over the edge, so far I no longer had any fear of death and no longer had anyone to ground me to this earth… no one to sustain my presence here in this hell that life had become that night for me. I didn’t want to die, but I had no where to live…
I sent a frantic email to work as a final attempt to find someone who would be present for me, to sustain me until I could find peace at home in your arms once again.
I got in the jeep, my only other source of serenity that I could find I intended to drive to ease my mind and push these thoughts of suicide out of my head. I was completely sober, and needed a brief escape from this house that felt so toxic to me, so uninviting and accepting of me, the same as my workplace. Maybe if I got arrested driving naked, a long break in a jail cel or psyche ward would be good for me I have been considering it for weeks. At least I would have someone to talk to who didn’t hate me. Other than our therapist who bluntly stated “Buddhism is not a real religion” earlier that day. Our therapist telling me my faith in the Vajrayana Dharma is a disease not a way of life even though it has been my way of life since I was a child, and I focus far more energy into that belief structure than any Christian I have ever met.
In my fugue state I accidentally drove through the gate I forgot was there (black gate in the dark, panic, naked, and alone with no headlights because someone always takes it off auto and I forget to turn it back to auto)… Once through the gate I had a full panic attack realizing what had happened, knowing how broke we were. I couldn’t control myself enough to lift my foot off the gas after that, I just lost control over my body. I still had the pedal to the floor out of my control… Like a full seizure all muscles tense, unable to relax them… White knuckles on the wheel feet pressed to the floor as hard as I could push them. Paralyzed. I missed the first corner going far too fast for a left hand turn. I had a brief moment of clarity, and attempted the e-brake to drift the jeep but new tires held fast to a dry road, and realizing I would flip the jeep as it rose onto 2 wheels I did the only thing I could do… I relaxed and just let go… I let god, buddha, jesus… whatever you want to call it… take the wheel… I put my life in the hands of the universe… “Bring me home” I cried out loud. What will be will be.
I crossed my arms, I bowed my head, and waited for the crash, relaxed ready to say goodbye to the pain of being me… The unlovable… unlikable… goblin king… sea monster Freyja no longer wanted… The story of me always ends this way. Alone in the dark.
The jeep returned to 4 wheels immediately and drove through a rod iron railing and into a ditch leading into a swamp… The jeep slowed and then stopped due to mud, the front end finally stopping with a small tap to a tree and brush. I was naked (literally not figuratively), and without a seat belt, going roughly 50mph when I let go… Miraculously I somehow sustained no injuries, airbags failed to deploy on impact. even though my head started a small crack in the windshield. I attempted to punch through the glass and was successful, a fist sized hole I reached in and grabbed the safety torn and shattered windshield… I tore the windscreen open sustaining only a knuckle bruise from failed punches on my right knuckle.
After frantically punching the glass for minutes, I had “punched myself out”… I hit a calm… I then realized I was still alive in taking those deep panic breaths I hit a euphoric state “Calm as a hindu cow” – as Tyler Durden put it… so I simply opened the door and stepped naked into the marshland… I realized I wanted to kiss your lips…
I walked… then jogged… then sprinted… while running up the hill towards home naked and laughing that I was still alive. I was just outside the decimated gate and remembered what I had done… A speeding pickup crested the hill and came at me fast. I jumped out of the way, and the side mirror clipped me… I fell to the road. I looked up, and came up to my knees, “can’t even do this right”… I then attempted to flag them down, to save me… Yelled for them to help, they paused… lay face down on the cold roadway they began to drive away. “Who leaves a naked man in a panic after hitting him with your truck” I screamed. I chased… caught them, jumped on the back of their truck, they slammed on the breaks and accelerated and I fell onto the main road. I lay there so confused… as a car rounded the blind corner… “HERE IT COMES” I said, I reached for the heavens… but they somehow missed me by swerving last millisecond. They didn’t stop to help an injured, naked man in a road… I stood, still no injuries… they put on their lights and began to drive away again… I took off my wedding band and threw it at them… I took off my other band and threw it… I took off my metal Tibetan wrist cuff and threw it at their car… “Why don’t you stop to help!!!!!” I screamed… “I NEED HELP”… Another car… coming the other way… I jumped the median and began to scream at the oncoming vehicle… “SUICIDE BY COP” I screamed… no one would help me live, maybe one would help me die… I pointed at the car with both hands as if holding a gun… The police shouted “We can see you don’t have a weapon”… No weapon? I removed my necklace and threw it at them… “GET DOWN ON THE GROUND”… I woke up… Laid down face down arms wide… the street was so cold, it pulled the rage from me…
“I know this guy” said Vincent, the police officer who was a first responder to our house fire. “this is the guy with the house fire 2 months ago”… He cuffed me behind my back… “what are you doing!?” he asked me.
“Getting a divorce I guess…” is what I replied… as I broke down into sobbing tears.
My goddess… You are my life… powerful, united, we meld together. We connect, we fit, like nothing ever has before. Every touch you bless me with is nourishment, it is the offering of your energy that sustains my life force. You my goddess are the source. For some reason over the past few weeks my body has become leaner, stronger, harder, faster, and more powerful than it has ever been. You are feeding my body with your love and it is responding better than it ever has to nutrition, proteins and martial arts. This life-energy I drink in from you is sculpting me in to my true form more rapidly than anything ever has. Through looking at me with beauty in your eyes, you are sculpting me into my ideal form.
You are food for my mind and my soul. I feel as though our conversations are a tour of consciousness… You are the driver taking us everywhere we need to go. When we see something exciting along the pathway you provide I act as the tour guide vocalizing the things we both see… But the path is one you know… Murray the voice of your guardian angel provides the words of the day and Joel my guardian angel merely describes them in these words of the day. You sustain this journey with foot on the gas or brake pedal (clearly I shouldn’t be driving). You turn where we must, you take us where we need to go in this journey. I only speak what you show me. You fuel this journey we are on, exploring our shared soul. You are the sustenance. You shine the headlight into the shadows and allow me to see things in a new way and speak truth we both already know. Your mind, your thoughts, your feelings, these are the providers of the soul food for us both. They keep us alive, keep us focused, keep us strong, and make us like gods of pure love. I feel I have lost the driver of my vehicle, and obviously fail to drive myself.
Where then is my role? We look to the second definition. My job is maintaining… It is my role in this to worship you as you worship me… Maintaining you and your spirit in life and existence… I will be your sustenance in this. I will hold you close as your source of comfort. I will defend you as your protector. I will be your knight in tattered armor ready to stand between you and any threat that comes our way, confident in the strength and power you give me that I can survive anything that threatens us. I will sustain your physical body, providing you pleasures you have never been able to imagine in the past, sustained orgasms that you couldn’t fathom happening before we met. I will pleasure you in ways you never dreamed and have not yet experienced for we will explore and discover them together… I will nurture your ecstasy every day, we will build to new heights, new levels of bliss as we evolve ever stronger together. I will help you sculpt your form into your personal ideal, only for you, never demanding more than you want to give, never wanting more for you than you want for yourself. As we grow, we will sustain our beauty by expanding our minds past the physical to being able to touch our beautiful souls and make love in the ethereal world as we do in the physical today… I will never stop wanting you. NEVER let you go… never leave you on purpose again.
I will sustain your soul through loving you… Through full, unconditional acceptance of all of your aesthetics, through granting you any pleasure, any energy your soul craves or desires, without finding fault in you, without changing you, and without payment other than your smile. I will appreciate and support all that you love, and all that you desire. You are creating this journey, I am narrating it. I will appreciate you every day for all that you are and all that you love and all the recreational indulgence we provide for our physical forms to learn from. Those experiences will inspire us both, as artists creating beauty in the world for others to enjoy. This is our gift to the universe, this is how we change the timeline and push the needle towards beauty, towards love. We set an example so bright that the world can’t help but stop and look…
We maintain that light by tending to it. We recognize the cup in our hearts ever drains and we both fill that cup every day of our lives and when it spills over we share the overflow with all those around us… but we never dip into that cup and take from it… We never demand of one another that which we do not freely give,… we never punish pleasures of the heart or body. No jealousy, no anger, no demands or ultimatums. We realize this precious gift freely given means so much more than a requirement taken, so much more than a trade. Only love, only unconditional… When we both provide sustenance in this way we recognize there is no starvation economy in love… The one resource we can give all we have and only end up with more in the end… We both know we will have more than we ever need by giving more than we ever have. We will sustain this flower garden, never pluck it, never allow it to wither or die… never take it for granted or forget to tend it. forever. We grow the food of our hearts, the sustenance for our minds… Our souls fed by the only thing the soul needs… pure, honest, selfless love.