Jason Silva says “love is the joint mourning of people who know that one day, they are going to die”… He continues “love is the answer to the human existence, but it doesn’t solve the problem of human existence”. I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and have never been loved by anyone the way you love me. Completely… I push the thought of one day losing you from my mind whenever it creeps in.
Today I am going to embrace it and dive into the feeling that the eventual loss of you causes in me, and hopefully come up with some way to explain it so that we can drink life every day with urgency, and still feel some comfort so that fear is not looming over us.
As with most concerns I turn to eastern philosophy. Buddha said “the only constant in the universe is change”, he continues “all that we love will one day be lost”. The Buddhist then asks how do we cope? Should we live in fear? Should we covet? The answer is no. We should accept it, and even embrace it. We should recognize that all life in the universe is precious specifically because it is not permanent. Time being the only thing of value, we should appreciate the amazing good fortune we have to get to share that time together. We should appreciate every moment, feel every sensation, without expectation. We should use this urgency created by the ephemeral nature of existence to experience all that we can in this life… Share experience together, building as many memories as we possibly can, knowing it will never be enough.
The concept of “boredom” is one that I often am amazed by… Sitting around “bored”… Filling these gaps with mundane ways to waste time… We are here for a microsecond on the grand timeline that is “being human” in the global sense of man, how can I not turn to you in every moment I have and drink you in… Explore your face, your eyes, count every hair on your head, feel every curve of your body… I don’t want to miss a thing, and there are an infinite number of experiences to share with you. Boredom is failing to recognize the fleeting decaying mortality of this body and this life. It is failing to appreciate you to be bored. Knowing that I will lose you, helps me lose no time with you.
I turn to Wicca when it comes to understanding the guiding force of the universe and the power within us to attract and manifest the reality we want… “the role of man is to imagine delightful futures and pull the present forward to meet them” – the imagination foundation. When the wiccan loses a beloved crystal they embrace the loss as the crystal moving on, no longer needed. Everything happens for a reason, when we lose something the universe is guiding us towards something different, new. Our house fire solidified this belief for me. When I lost all my crystals (along with everything else I
“owned”)… It means that those crystals served their purpose in this life and for one reason or another they chose to move on in order to shift my energy and unlock new doors. Crystals come in and out of our lives when we need them. My Apache tear crystal connected me to the ethereal, black onyx I now have in the form of my new wedding band (having lost my other two only weeks after the fire). Onyx according to lore, acts as a conduit for knowledge, extending an antenna to the ethereal plane. I have lost it several times, and then it has been found… found in a jewelry box, found in a drawer, on the floor of my car… it appears to me in moments when I am about to connect to something greater, and leaves me when I have finished the download. I found it the week before we met and put it on. I took it off when the “Creativity” crystal found me. Then one day I was standing in my kitchen talking to one of my closer metaphysical friends Victor, and suddenly my creativity crystals that I bought weeks before just fell off my neck, the knot completely untied… Next to it on the table my Apache tear sat coiled in its cord. I wore it for months… the crystals told me to lose one and find the other… A symbol of the enlightenment coming that week, a conduit to assist me in receiving the download, and I listened.
As I wrote yesterday in “Match” – The universe guided us to each other through the mechanism of a computer coded matching algorithm. Just as crystals are lost and found. I found you because I began to listen to everything happening in the universe as guiding signs. I started hearing Joel’s (the voice I gave to my conscience at a young age) voice so clearly, and believed every word he spoke… “Be yourself !”, “Shine!!!”. I wrote years ago that the key to happiness is to discover your aesthetics, all that which you love… and tune to those frequencies. Become your aesthetic… dress and act like what you love, be your true self, sculpt your body into your personal “perfect” person through diet and exercise… become the energy wavelengths that you love the most and then just turn up the volume to attract… Shine so bright that it drives away anyone who would criticize your aesthetic, and let what you love about yourself becomes a beacon, like a light in the fog, to draw to you those who would love you for exactly who you are. I preached this, and then over the past few years convinced myself I was wrong. After my relationship with my last girlfriend ended… I realized that I could never peel off pieces of myself to be loved ever again. I could never turn off my light again. So I opened my closet and found my lost clothing. Opened up my mouth and found my lost voice. Then I opened up my heart and found my lost love… YOU…
I believe that we are truly one soul experiencing life in super-position, as if jumping from brain to brain to sample memory and aesthetic and then process the single moment before moving on. This game, set, to teach us all the knowledge we could possibly gain about ourselves. All our flaws, all our faults, to learn the nature of love and to learn to accept ourselves just as we are. To understand the balance of good and evil and that we have the capacity for both within us all. We are here to discover… This feeling of being disconnected and unloved or un-liked merely for who we are is the source of a huge amount of pain in life, the pain caused by those who would force us to bend who we are in order to be loved. A failure to see we are all connected.
All that we lose can one day be found again. The day we met we both experienced that feeling of “Oh, there you are”. We know we will lose each other in THIS life, one day. But we also know the universe had a plan for us… A plan that allowed us to have the same first tattoo… A plan that allowed you to have an experience at a resort and pass the test that one of my exes failed. A plan of years of pain aimed at allowing us to recognize good and evil exist within and external to us and see how truly good we would always be for each other because of that. We both know without doubt that we have always been searching for each other. We know this down to the core of our soul… “Oh… there you are… I have been looking for you for a long time”.
The only way to explain knowing we found each again, is to recognize this proves that our love is eternal. We can only find something that was once lost… If it’s something new it can be discovered, not found. I didn’t discover you in that garage my amazing wife… neither of us would say we discovered that we existed. We both know without any doubt we found each other… again. So how do I answer Jason Silva? How would I correct his phrase or understanding? Love is the morning of mortals who believe that one day they are going to die… For immortals like us love is the joint celebration of finding one another when we still have the precious time left in this life to enjoy as much of the universe as we can, hand in hand, with absolute urgency, without boredom, and without fear of loss… Will I be sad when I lose you once again? Yes… of course my heart will be broken for all the experiences I had wished us to share… my heart will be broken longing for the moments of touching your skin, smelling your scent, missing your taste… Losing the feeling of home. It may kill me to lose you in this life, because you are this life for me. But I will not spend a moment of life wasted, fearing the inevitable. I will accept it, embrace it for the gift of urgency it provides… and for the rest of this life I will cherish every moment I have with you, until the second I lose you… I will miss you for every moment that follows, and I will search for you with all of my being, until we find each other again in the next life. I know this… because I have loved you for a million years, and will love you until the end of time. My love for you is a compass that points the way home whenever I am lost. When you are lost I know I will always find you.