Just as you argued with Murray, I argued with Joel (the names we both gave to our subconscious when we were kids)… Joel put an image of a vampire in my head… I reeled confused by how this represents balance, or how this image relates to the idea of us, yet he would not let it pass, not allow my resistant mind to see through it… So I began…
A vampire hunts for an attractive man. She seduces him. She moves in towards his neck and sinks sharp fangs into him… and drinks him deeply. She cannot kill him this way or his death will pull her down with him according to “Anne Rice”… At the point where his death is inevitable she must let him go… But then she has an interesting decision to make… She can offer him her lifeblood… his death still inevitable without it… Yet if he is beautiful and she would like to “keep him” (as you asked on our first date “Can I keep you” walking down the stairs from Jimmy Buffets, and I replied “Only if you keep me forever”). In the Anne Rice vampire world, she has the power to offer him immortality and with this gift, she gives him godlike strength, vision, power, and often even the gift of flight… and usually… Something I have wanted even more than the power of the gods… An amazing gothic wardrobe that fits me perfectly, nail polish, black lipstic, eyeliner, we refer to as “guyliner” when I put it on for the Vampire ball at the Castle “endless nights” last year (which I just discovered is this Saturday, we can’t miss that… and another Joel moment comes to mind, as I searched for the link and found the date… no wonder Joel wouldn’t let “vampire” go today).
When the Vampiress gives her life blood for her victim to drink, she gives him all the gifts of the undead. A romantic bathing in blood… sensual and perfect. These gifts, like all the gifts in life are balanced by their opposite. Each gift comes with a weaknesses that can end his eternal life… Sunlight and garlic that burns… The inability to enter a home without an invitation, and an unquenchable thirst for life, silver that burns the skin, crosses that cause them to shreek and cower, and worse of all, the unquenchable thirst for living… human… blood..
The vampire myth is an exaggeration of the perfect balance of life. With great power comes not “great responsibility”, it comes with the torture of misunderstanding. Trying to share your incredible gifts is viewed as “Show off”, “weirdo”, “dork/nerd”, “Fag”… I draws to you bullies that would beat you or mentally abuse you.
For me, a human male, I can first take you by the powers I have to seduce… But that would be easy, and it would be false… I can make eye contact and capture your attention. Give you a tiny criticism that shows you I know your insecurities and yet see it as beautiful (“did you know, that scowl you have because I came over to talk to you is unbecoming… you aren’t nearly as beautiful when you frown as you are when you laugh… that’s what got me over here, I saw your smile earlier and and I came over to meet you… I just wanted to say hi to the woman who lit up this place a few minutes ago”…”what do you do that makes you able to laugh like that?”… if you smile back “there she is that’s the girl I wanted to meet”… then you talk… If you scowl… “alright, I am just going to throw a drink in my own face to save you the time”… literally toss my beer in my face, and walk away… you would come talk to me later when you have had a few and I make sure not to look at you or make eye contact for the rest of the night unless you demand it. ).
I didn’t use any seduction tricks with you. You were far too real and far too powerful and would never have fallen for them anyway. I wanted something real, not to get into your jeans. If I had approached you that way, you would never love me for who I am because that wouldn’t be me. It would be Loki… the trickster working through me to seduce you, you may have slept with me for fun for your own reasons (laughing at my stupidity) but you never would have loved me.
I recall a few weeks into our relationship when we were going at it at least once a day, and I asked “Do you think our relationship is going to be based on sex?” in a moment of blissful pillow talk…
you, without missing a beat replied “God… I hope so!”… I rolled off the bed I was laughing so hard.
I know with this body I have spent years working on (at least the one I had before I put on my ten pounds of “happy weight”(as we call it)… from being married to you. These skills of gab and conversation allowing someone who is lost to feel important, simply by being present and making them the “hero of their journey”. This isn’t a bad or guilt ridden for of seduction, it’s just open honesty and recognizing the beauty. I never really thought of it as a game because I had no deception. Showing someone that the things they see as “shortcomings” all come with amazing gifts they have often been left to discover is something I try to do with most people I meet… It’s not about sex tape ven if doing that at bars with attractive women ended up there when I was single. The goal is to just show that the other side of every “weakness” is some powerful balanced gift that people just haven’t found yet. I was always clear that they couldn’t “keep me”… Until you asked me before we every slept together.
Imagine being a vampire and having no teacher? That is Louis, in “Interview with the Vampire”… Lestat de Lioncort had no idea how powerful vampires truly were even though he was one (the only one he’d ever met), and Louis spend hundreds of years with no true teacher… Just an adolescent selfish manchild who taught turning Louis meant he owned him. Teaching him his bullshit self-taught form of Vampirism, without ever knowing any of the true powers or culture that eventually Armond showed him when they find the coven… Lestat lived in a lizard brain world… the 4th dimension of the thirst, having almost zero benefits. Lestat thought immortality was the gift. We know better…
We know immortality is one of the sufferings for vampires, the gift is instantly healing… the curse that comes with it is living forever and never being able to care for anyone. When I asked you last night “What would you do with immortality?”
You said “I would spend it trying to find a way to Die”… this is reminiscent of Issac Asimov’s 1956 short story “The Last Question”. As I said, all gifts have draw backs, the most painful gift would be immortality. Life would lose all meaning and urgency. You could spend a million years staring at a blade of grass. The same is true for all the things we hate about ourselves, they come with strengths… for life is a perfect balance, there are no cheats, no hacks, and no one makes it out alive.
I possess the gifts of quick wit and humor, the gift of conversation, the gift of never feeling star-struck no matter what the “appropriate level of respect” a person feels they are owed by the universe… I have the gifts of reflex, speed, force in martial arts… I can sing, I have dancing, acting, sculpture, animation, painting, drawing, hopefully I can write (I guess if anyone other than you is reading this, I am at least mediocre). All little seeds I believe we all are born with and all we need to do is nurture them into whatever size tree they grow into . However with each gift, I get the opposite negative impact as well.
constantly called “Show off”… “manic”… “narcissist” (confidence looks like that to those who don’t possess it) I have even gotten “psychopath”, “abuser”, “addict”.
I can freely speak to a CEO like a friend, and give them honesty. The result “You ratted out the team and told the truth to the CEO” (oh no… I told them the reality of where we are, like stating I believe we are still in pre-production at the Alpha date on the calendar. Even though a manager tried to bullshit numbers and fake it… guess that’s why I have a job still and I have watched DDs come and go and come and go, thinking our CEO is too stupid to know the bullshit game they try to pull… I used to work with our CEO on one game together when we both started at this company around the same time, when he was “just” the best designer we have ever hired. He knows how this cups game works and if I bullshit him when we are surrounded by those people who desperately want to fake progress far ahead of where we are, my affirmation would come with a wink and he would get that we need to talk.
I don’t believe in authority… I believe in earned respect through energy, I give and receive respect this way as we all should. Ranks are for soldiers about to die when they are told to… I am no slave, I am an artist, not a warrior (well… I am a warrior in a garden… surrounded by gardeners in a war).
These gifts I have I can use to trap someone, I can use them to seduce (especially the gift of dance and song, for those are our mating rituals). With you my wife, somehow I knew you would laugh hysterically if I ever tried to “play you” in the seduction game. I didn’t even begin to try… I watched you park you “soccer mom van” that so didn’t suit you (Your Jeep Wrangler does)… I saw you model strut toward me… 5 foot 10 in your shoes (taller than my father)… I saw the outline of your Valkyrie amor in that moment as if you wore the plate mail yourself… We walked up to each other and both without missing a second said “there you are” to ourselves. That moment I knew I was yours, not the other way around.
I said on our first real date to see blue man group 3 days later “hey I have HPV (along with 90 something percent of adults” you said “some people are worth melting for” and that was it, we never discussed it again. If I had tried to seduce you I would have probably lost you before I ever saw your face. I drunk texted you the night before our first meeting that I thought I was a narcissist and “the goblin king from Labyrinth”… texted “love me, worship me, do as I say and I will be your slave”… I told you my therapist disagrees because “narcissists don’t run to therapy for a cure”.
“The difference between narcissism and confidence is actually having the talent and practicing that art for yourself”… that does describe me, I don’t care who reads this other than you… these words… at least today… are for you my Freyja – Captain of the Valkyries and goddess of love and mercy. My savior.
If i had tried to seduce you and succeeded, I would have been just another boy toy for you because you would have pretended to fall for it. I would lose the opportunity to see your spirit that makes you, who you are… You would lose what interests me the most, the lessons you teach me to help me grow into the man you know I can be. For the first time in my life I decided right before you pulled up to Eola Wine Company for our first meet up (a public out in the open wine bar with the best brunch in Orlando just outside the Sunday Farmers market that spans lake Eola)… I decided that I would be honest… well, not just honest… radically and brutally honest. I would start our first meeting by confessing all my sins to you, all my desires, and all my “dealbreakers”, encourage you to do the same. Show you how all my tricks work so that I can’t use them against you… Explain every one of them and tell you how I have used them to bed 69 women (I was picky)… But saved 70 just for you. You know I spent the past weekend texting you while deliberately scaring off every woman/girl I met with ridiculous one liners like “hey I just got this box of condoms I am not sure I trust, will you test them out with me?”… When my friend was taking me out for a “wingman” night the night before we met.
I can attempt to just be myself and have you love me for me, without seduction or games or falsehood… In turn I can love every angle of every feature you possess, being careful never to change you into something you are not wishing to become… Through the off balanced pure truth with no deceptions we are being true to each other and to ourselves with every gift we offer a selfless choice without the need of a threat required to extract it. It will be us who choose a love immortal in this ephemeral world. Transformed inside and out. Seeing the world with our new eyes… Together able to defeat the threats of mortal men. No longer needing the sun, because we cast all the light we need in the world from with ourselves. We shine brighter than the sun ever did together.
As the gift our truth is disproportional, the vampire physical endowments seem off balance as well- yet Imbalanced in a way that makes this life so very easy to choose. I would easily trade anything for an eternity by your side, easily choosing any challenges the mortal world could throw my way. There is no sacrifice in this for me… Even hunting the mortals “who never tried to make is normal, they tried to make us mortal”… as you put it in a stunning moment standing on your doorstep as I wept about being “abnormal”.
We have a power the world of mortal men cannot understand… These gifts allow us to sculpt our eternal fate together. To manifest through willpower and the knowledge we don’t quit… Like Edison never failed to make a light bulb he just “found 1000 ways not to”. I will trade my heartbeat for the gift of loving you forever for you already hold my heart in your eyes… I will trade the sun for your light for you already are brighter than the sun for me. I will trade my body heat for the heat we create between us because I forever want to be tangled in your arms as I sleep. The spice of garlic for the flavors of your flesh for there is no other taste I crave but yours.
We can balance our lives… But I’m afraid my love, that our immortal love has no end… Something this infinite has no center and therefore no pivot and, without a pivot there is no Balance… So our love will be fierce, and it will be simultaneously hot and cold. Fast and Slow. Ecstatic and at Rest… Something this easily chosen cannot be weighed against anything else… Like our vampire thirst for life itself, this is a need that cannot be met or fulfilled or quenched… We will never have enough time… never… But I won’t wallow in the knowledge that one day we will die. I will live each moment for you, with you, and never miss a second. My need for you is eternal and never fades…
You said once in a moment of panic that I “have replaced the air” in your life… You have replaced all that sustains me. I don’t want a balance of life with you… because any life without you… wouldn’t have purpose. There is no life without you my vampire queen… I need you, always by my side… Balance is for mortals.
As I finish this blog… like clockwork the theme from “Twilight” comes on my youtube channel… Magic…