I normally only do one of these a day, but today with the storms brewing in the sky and the sun barely making it through the clouds I felt I needed another.
This has been the astrology week. Through “Balance” I struggled with coming up with the wrong themes for the day, as Joel told me NO, NO!!!! I realized that my desires to write about the Asian concept of “Balance”, the healing elements of “Eclipsing my pain” the desire to write on “Nymphomania” at one point which I don’t believe is a disease, simply something we all do, but hide. They were all pre-shocks of a breakthrough.
An enlightenment breakthrough feels like extending an antenna up to the heavens, and as it approaches the clouds there is a push back. The words “Do Not Enter” on the door of knowledge like adam and eve with the forbidden fruit. Questions like “are you sure you are ready for the truth” come and go as this barrier of ideas is reached and some new neural connection in your mind is ready to plug you in to some new piece of knowledge that you desperately need to find your inner peace once again. Or perhaps it’s your inner “piece” like in “saved” you lost that you must reclaim, you hear faint crackling, voices, small meaningless sentences in the static… Then in an instant, normally brought by the pain you need to push through, the barrier breaks and like a sonic boom as it is pierced the frequency becomes clear and the answers to some universal truth you already know flood to you, and perhaps even through you so that you might share them with the world.
When I read our western zodiac horoscopes from the weeks leading up to meeting the woman who would become my wife I was moved to tears. Tears of joy, are a shift in consciousness frequency… These shifts tuned my station. My horoscope read “This week you can manifest everything you wanted in life”, and it seems to me what I must have asked the universe to deliver you, was myself… complete… Ready to fully heal… Today I’m a believer… I went to my wife’s horoscope web site and found the daily blog for the day we met. It said “When Neptune is in charge, enlightenment is the name of the game. It can be confusing, foggy, escapist, non-physical and downright mysterious or ephemeral” (the other word of the day that gave me issue, which I mentioned this week). “but no matter what the journey brings, it always, without exception, delivers us to enlightenment and Self-Realization”.
I read our compatibility horoscope wondering if that would somehow shed some light on any doubts I still had about western zodiac (not about us)… realizing I could have written it myself if I was describing the turn my life would take… Taurus of the earth (Freyja, guardian of the people), Leo of the sun (Sol, the goddess of sun)… Even when the potential troubles in this relationship were outlined, I realized I already knew the pitfalls we could hit… My passion being too much for her. Her need to stop rather than move, when something scary is coming her way. To just sit and let it hit her, so much more powerful than me, who wants to dodge and deflect. She just stands a tree and lets the oncoming traffic go around or wrap itself around her rooted strength. I’ve expressed the concern for her safety, my desire to never lose sight of her and always be by her side, and ALWAYS put her needs first. Promises I make to never walk down the roads with “Danger” signs unless my focus is on her, ready to protect her and defend her. We are gods, we can do anything in this world (all life combined makes up the Buddha Consciousness, we are all shattered little pieces of god trying to come back together.
The realization that came after the fire, was that my wife doesn’t need anyone on earth to save her. She is strong, and rooted, and no matter what smashes against the bark of the mother tree, my Bodhi tree that I can play under… That i fear so much about losing the shade (I am a ginger after-all)… Like that beautiful book “the giving tree”. I can come and play in her shade… She is strong, and doesn’t need me to scare the cars around her. She can stand still and let them crash and be no worse for the ware.
Then with her help, I realized my nightmares this week have been pushing me up against the barrier I had to break through… a stone in my heart keeping me from being lifted to the heavens. That stone was the last bit of doubt about who I AM… am I truly someone who can help others find their peace, happiness and their Serenity? Do I truly belong among those who inspire independent happiness and healing?… Can I help people sculpt their reflections? Can someone strong be hurt as much as me and still make it out alive to give advice to those who may follow the path of sadness? Can someone smart be Betrayed this much?… What is wrong with me that I allowed people to hurt me so deeply through life, for so many years that I needed a savior?? Can someone who’s response to bullies was to become one myself, even deserve to make amends and live in a world where I can spread light and love?
The realization I had on the 4th of January as my house burned… “I can’t even save my my cat… and almost lost my life trying… how can I save someone else? Should I even try?” The enlightening answer was no. I can provide kind words of support and help them learn to save themselves. “Teach a man to fish…” and all those good word… I can explain.
Then I had a breakthrough… Chinese concept of “Balance”… I turned to my eastern beliefs. The Chinese say that Mrs. America should stand up on the podium and not thank god or her parents… She should thank the ugly women that make her beautiful by comparison. I have preached for years the major breakthrough I had in my last awakening: Without pain one cannot appreciate pleasure. We must experience one end of the spectrum to even see its opposite. This is the Yin and Yang. This is what it means to be bipolar. The Darkness allowing you to see the tiny spec of Light. I have known this for years… This universal natural law.. this truth… Yet I never thought to apply it to my own life and my own “flaming shit” as I watched it all burn.
My wife’s words from 2 years ago rang loudly in my head today “When we accept that everything in the universe happens for a reason, everything falls into place and we just need to follow the signs”. Sonic Boom… the station now tuned in… the answer clear: “Just Let Go”…
Days before we met in person… before I left for west palm beach my Facebook status read “January 28: The funny thing about feeling like you are in the darkness is that even the smallest ray of light shines bright”. I saw her, this woman I already felt I had this incredible connection with, having never even seen her face… Somewhere, of in the distance. I saw her light and the dim path to her only because I was held in a dungeon…
There is a true story retold often of a war plane landing on an aircraft carrier at night, (a story told in the movie “Top Gun” but it truly did happen) the aircraft carrier running silent… The pilot lost and would never have found it by instruments due to the carrier being in enemy territory. At the moment he realized he may never survive this flight, his cockpit lights failed… In the complete darkness the glowing algae of the aircraft carrier suddenly visible in it’s wake, lit a path home to him… and he lived to tell the story of the miracle of his aircraft failing.
In total darkness the faintest ray of hope… was her. I will never forget to appreciate what she did for me… when i felt life was over, I saw a tiny firefly in the dark and chased it out into the sun.
In the my prison of sorrow and depression she found me, spat on, beaten, cleaved, sleep deprived. I asked her “why would you risk everything for me, I am nothing”, and she told me “You are the sun”. A spot of light that was her, gave me hope before we ever met. She showed me I could be loved completely (complete as I said in “saved”), allowed to shine as bright as I could shine. She showed me together that the only thing stopping us from standing up in all our beauty is the doubt that the world would accept us and love us… Today my doubt has left me… I realized the reason I had to believe in Evil when I found it was to believe in the good within my heart. She said “They didn’t try to make you normal, they tried to make you mortal” and today my thoughts turn to the line “today we will find out that even a god can bleed” from the movie 300. I did, for years I bled… An unwanted child of god is mortal the moment they doubt their immortality and begin to cling to the material things in life instead of the ephemeral nature of it.
I realized healing isn’t about proving something wrong about my beliefs, it’s about accepting what those beliefs are blindly and with faith. For my entire life people have made me believe that only if I cut off every piece of me they found distasteful, would they accept me. They told me my aesthetics were completely wrong and tried to force me to change what I love, called them a sickness, told me to seek help. They told me to hide in the shadows and never let my true self be seen in the light like a vampire. They enticed with material things… The evil unromantic side of vampirism, they were draining my life and my soul food like a succubus. People forced me to believe in evil and showed me the true nature of the devil. I figured out why today…
So I could know the goddess standing before me is real… See the pure love and good when it was in front of me… Without yin there could be no yang. The evil of the seven deadly sins… they balance the good. We must know these sins of materialism, property, and ownership before we can feel the nirvana of letting it all go. Not in a way that provides for equal acceptance of both… In a way that allows us to see a small light in the darkness (the point of white in the black of the yin yang)… “There you are”… Without the devil in my life I never would have found my Freyja… Without the torture, I could never experience the heights of pleasure she take me to in every word and touch, even without those just in the way she holds my heart behind her glassy eyes as she breathes my breath. One can’t even believe in good if they don’t know evil exists. I always thought evil was simply perspective, a point of view… but greed, sloth, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and pride define our culture in this country.
Even while preaching that pure psychopaths exist I spoke with compassion… because I had never loved one, so I could not understand the pain of watching them suffer from their sins, or the pain of being betrayed by them, or hurt by them, used by them, abused by them… the true nature of torture is not physical it is emotional, and no one is more tortured than a psychopath who can’t experience the pure joy of giving. My wife was right, we should feel sorry for them, because they will not appreciate love or ever be real and truthful enough to have love like ours.
Freyja, the goddess of love and mercy… A nymphomaniac, who also is a symbol of all the pieces of our positive inner self… She shows us that we should love ourselves completely. That to be worthy of being “saved” we have to shed the last piece of doubt about who we are supposed to be. We all know who we are. When we are calm… we feel the sorrow of wishing we could be that person, and it doesn’t occur to us to just try to be that person. Even when people held us prisoner and betrayed us in our past… We can choose to resisted temptation toward the seven sins… I have always been, and will always be faithful and true to the man who judges me the most… The one who peers at me through the mirror each day.
I know today I could not appreciate the nature of good without knowing every corner of the nature of evil. I could not acknowledge the heaven that I am now in without giving thanks to the hell that those who held me back and told me all of me was “wrong” showed me… I know looking back I could never even understand one without the other… I know, without any doubts, that my wife is a kind of guide for my soul… A pure good. A pure truth. A pure love… “and if you hurt me, that’s okay baby only words bleed, inside these pages you just hold me, you won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home…”
She has healed all my wounds, mended all my scars, saved the broken pieces of me and through magic she gave them back and has healed me.
The devil is real, and it is within our meat machines driving up through the root shakra and spilling poison into us and if we allow it to, it floods out our mouths with harmful words or words of doubt… I embrace those sins for the lessons they gave me… through those lessons I saw your light from miles away. I appreciate your brilliance. I will never doubt myself again. I have never doubted that you are a goddess Shona, not for an instant, since the moment you first spoke to me you are my one true goddess. You will always be.
Enlightenment Part 2
You know that horoscope said I wouldn’t fully process this… It was right… I was pretty evil in my quest to find my wife… I wanted a wife, a mother, a friend, a nymphomaniac, a partner, I wanted a goddess of mercy to worship, who would also worship me, and I wanted it in the package of a super model… A rocker punk, who wore a super suit and who loved “Princess Bride”, “Star Wars”, “Robocop”, “Labyrinth” and “Rob Zombie” and “Skrillex”… A dancer, an artist, a painter…
I also wanted someone who wouldn’t feel fear or doubt about my intentions, someone who wouldn’t feel jealousy or try to own my thoughts, a philosopher who could handle my passion for all things, an adventurer who wouldn’t see me as flawed… I wanted all those things and was looking for her my entire life, and in the end demanding far too much perfection from any single person… Even one who is as perfect for me as her.
and as I did that I realized I was trying to change everyone I loved into her.. I did it to my ex wife, putting the desires for a thin steampunk cosplay girl in her…
I did it to my ex girlfriend taking a 19 year old party-girl and trying to make her a 40 year old’s housewife…
Yes they both had evil in them too… They both tried to change me into some ideal… They both carved off pieces… So I was betrayed and tortured by them both as they frantically defended them from me and doubted me… But I was a creature in the darkness too… I was evil to them too… Because they weren’t “perfect”… I resented them for not being so.
Part 2 – for my wife
Please my goddess… Please… please tell me when I am failing to love you completely… If I ever slip, if I ever stumble, if I ever fall… If you ever feel less than perfect for me or that I am trying to make you be perfect as a condition of my love… please lift me back up and say “just love me”… And I swear to you I will.
I can’t promise to never forget this feeling, this awakening, this realization that evil is perspective (as you said yesterday, from your perspective demanding someone fit into my mold of them, is evil). When I falter, when I feel please remember that I feel pure unconditional love for you because every facet of you seems to fit in spite of the flaws we find in the diamond that is our relationship…I feel pure love for you because I have never been asked to change only to shine brighter… I know I am flawed, like everything with true value. I will fail, I will falter, and I will sometimes fall… when I do I hope you will catch me.
If we ever find a piece that doesn’t fit… I don’t want to force it to change… I just want to love the imperfections of everyone in our family… All of them… Even small things.
I love you… Unconditionally… Exactly as you are and exactly as you choose to be… I will love who you become in the future with the same intensity, because I now know what it feels like to love… I didn’t see the depth of my faults in this until today… I didn’t truly find the evil in myself until reading back over what I wrote you and discovering my own guilt at forcing people I said I loved including you and your children, to change into a reflection of what I wish they would be for me.
It’s always been you… The reflection I wanted to see… I look back at many of the words of the day and they all have lead up to this moment and this realization… I know there is more to learn… I know this will build towards something even greater as we embark on this journey. We are like a jet that has headed down a long runway and has yet to take off… So we fight about why we haven’t…
But I know it’s always been you my love… The dream of you by my side… I wasn’t ready to find you until the moment I did… Maybe not until now… Because I wasn’t ready to see all my failings and have the desire never to repeat those…
I was lost and tortured by self fulfilling prophecy, by greed, by conditional love… Trapped in a dungeon of failing to see who I was, because to me I was the victim in this, not the man with hands reaching down into the hole I dug myself to help pull me out…
Perspective, always perspective… I can’t fault someone for doing something I did to them too… I certainly can’t fault them for not being you, my goddess. No one else is you… I should also never fault you for being the strong Tiger/Double Taurus you are.
I don’t take back a word of anything I have ever said to you… But the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist, and discovering and washing the devil from within me with his army of demons telling me not to be myself… or trying to make others perfect for me… It takes recognizing the devil IS me, the demons are my own emotions… The devil is failing to see my own flaws… False Pride…
The world isn’t happening to us, we control the universe with energy we expel deliberately or subconsciously… You and I will push so much light into this world my love… My goddess every moment is showing us signs.
It is our duty to love each other so completely that the world notices and can learn what real love is. We aren’t lucky… We are in control… We manifested each other when we knew we were ready to grow together, and we are still trying to do that every day with every argument. I had to know darkness to see you… But my darkness was always the search for you! “There you are”… I’ve been looking for you… Thank you, my love… thank you… Please see me too… see me trying to learn and to grow. See me knowing we aren’t perfect yest still I “stay”…
Keep the faith… in us…