The word of the day is “Saved”

Posted for a new Mentor 2/26/18, written the day I met my wife, was honest with her and she gave back all the pieces I was missing.

Saved

For Shona

“We have clearly had a very long love story, it just ended today” – Jan 31, 2016

There was once a dream that was her, following him just out of sight, and he could only catch glimpses of her form… This dream like a spirit always there behind him throwing her brightness through him and casting his colors into the world like the sun behind stained glass…

He was told by his mother to be himself, and he believed it was safe… for his mother never showed him anger, pain or jealousy, and yet his light and color stood out… And every time he tried to stand tall his dream shined brighter for him for he was happy… Angered by this light in the dark world, monsters came out of the shadows whenever he stood out, and would grab him and push him to the ground and beat him until his dream would go out, briefly extinguished by his sorrow. The darkness frightened the boy, so his dream would fade back on… Softer than before… Yet still beautiful. For years he tried to be what his soul cried out to him to be. He lived to hate his talents, because every time he tried to show them to the world and stand tall, his dream shined for him, and something sprang from the darkness and pushed him again to the ground… He reached a point where he was so bruised and scarred and scared, and in so much pain from his wounded soul, he realized he had to try to fit in… He blamed his mother for teaching him to love his dream so much, and he blamed his dream for being a light that attracted hate from the darkness, and he blamed his colors for being so vibrant and different… In order to fit in the world of darkness he realized he had to cut pieces of himself off so monsters around him would not notice him, and hopefully without standing out he would at least be allowed to stand up. He stood in pain bleeding from open wounds with severed limbs in the mud around him… He numbed his pain with rags and dirt, and he pretended he was happy this way. Tried to be happy without his hands to make his art, or his ears to hear his music, happy without his eyes to see the flowers, happy without his feet so he could run, happy without his voice so he could sing… Happy covered in the tangled mess of rags and bandages that fit his new broken body, he tried to be happy without his dream lighting up his life… So he abandoned his dream of her, his only source of light, and crawled broken into the darkness to join the monsters that lived there so he wouldn’t feel alone.

But his dream was alive, and it sparked in the darkness… She shined her light, and realized she was now alone without him, his glowing dream, left abandoned… Just a beautiful form, all alone in the world now without his bright colors to inspire her to shine her light. His dream of her picked up the pieces he cut off one by one… A tear washed away the mud and she saw the bright colorful piece still colored her world when she cast her light through it… She learned to throw her own colors, and it wasn’t the same but she spent years alone living without him by her side, yet keeping those pieces of him alive by coveting them, and appreciating them for being the color in her life, each piece now belonged to her when she picked them up and saved them for him… And somehow she thought they were still beautiful even though they were lifeless, like colorful flowers pulled from a perfect rose bush, she nurtured them with a gentle sadness and washed them with her tears, fed them with her kindness, and somehow they survived separated from him.

Then one day as she drifted in the desert, she saw at the edge of the darkness where her light turned to shadow, that one of the monsters who lived beyond the event horizon of her bright spirit, had paused to stare at her. He carefully approached on the bones of four broken limbs like an abused animal… stepping into her aura, and he seemed confused by the familiar light he hadn’t seen in years, attracted by the colors he used to throw into the world himself… He had never seen his dream in the world before only her light through him, and yet there she was in front of him and he knew her light and felt her warmth instantly… As though he was home.

She could not see all of him but the potential of him. She saw through this thing he had become to the colorful skin beneath it, through his tattered exterior and through the cracks of his hardened scales, to the boy he was before he cut off the pieces she had saved, cared for, and held so dearly… She saw this soul inhabiting the shell of him and in his form could see the boy he was. The child, now a tortured man, longing to break free from this frightening and lost outer being. So she was brave and selfless, and paused to look at her possessions that were the only color in her life… And even though she was afraid to loose those belongings she saved all this time, she took her beloved pieces of him and she ran to him and gave all those precious pieces back to him without asking for anything in return. At first he refused, afraid and unworthy, but she showed him her light and helped him remember what it felt like to be complete. She healed him, and he felt whole for the first time in as long as he could remember, and the pain slipped away and he didn’t want to be numb anymore. But he was still so very afraid… Trembling like a beaten dog, afraid to stand up because of all the times he was pushed back down.

So she reached out her hand to him and grasped his gently, and suddenly there was hope in his heart… and slowly he stood, on shaky legs he hadn’t stood on in years… He leaned on her with all his weight, so afraid she would let go and he would fall… She looked in his eyes and said “everything will be ok”. He was still not sure if she was his realized dream standing in front of him for the first time, or just another trick. He froze in fear as her light flashed bright again, and as her light pulsed brightly, he thought he should try to scare her away so he could never hurt her, but she didn’t flinch when he tried to be frightening… She simply kissed him. She kissed him so gently that he somehow knew she would never hurt him… As he stood with her supporting him, his legs became stronger, and he stepped back and held her hands in his… He saw her pain, her fear, her loneliness… He saw her kindness, her gentle soul, her light, her beautiful heart… He turned away in the shame of not rescuing this beautiful light from her sorrow sooner… he didn’t deserve her, and as he looked to the ground he realized for the first time that she was his own dream, what he never realized was her illumination before, had always been her light throwing his color into the world… He turned back, and asked her for forgiveness for forgetting her… And he began to feel excitement in his heart again… And she told him “now that you can stand, it’s time to stand out”, and she grabbed him and lifted him into the sky and her light shined on him brighter than ever before in his life… Color was thrown into the world, color so bright and vibrant from her light that the demons that used to push him down were penetrated by it, and under the shells and between their cracks he saw different unique light and colors, and as they came forward to attack she exploded with light… And they cowered, blinded by her… And before they ran back into the darkness still broken, angry and afraid he saw their colors faded and muted, thrown briefly into the world. In the beautiful silence the only thing left he could see were the colorful patterns of his new world, now made visible by her light. And for the first time in his life he felt happy being complete… Loving himself, and loving her for what she saved and gave back to him. He had found his dream again and realized the dream was always of them, separate, but whole, different but complete, unique but beautiful together and each of them free but wanting to chase away the darkness together.

Because of her he will never doubt his colors. Because of him she will never doubt her light. She wanted him, but only free, and only if he stopped breaking off pieces of himself to be like all the others who had forgotten their dreams and lived in the darkness.

When you truly save someone… You keep the pieces of them safe until they are ready to have them back, you rescue them by tending those pieces and keeping them alive. You “save” them… And she saved all of him, and she was happy that she had given him back to those he loved unchanged and whole… She would never try to own him… But she would be there to shine a light into his world, and he would never want to be in darkness again.

When you complete someone, it’s not that you were their missing piece, it’s that you saved their missing pieces by loving those parts, and you complete them when you gave them back and showed them that they can be loved completely. He loved her light completely, and she loved his colors…

He realized whenever she wasn’t there to shine her light on him, he would know his colors were still just as beautiful even if he couldn’t see them… When he wasn’t there to tint her brilliance she knew her light was just as gorgeous… And neither of them was ever truly alone, and neither of them were afraid to be apart… Knowing the colorful light would always be there whenever they were together.

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